Scrawled on a book with a broken spine.

"When the rich wage war, it's the poor who die."


-Jean-Paul Sartre, The Devil and the Good Lord (1951) act 1
French author & existentialist philosopher (1905 - 1980)

It was only a matter of time

I've had some supervisors in the past that made me want to stay Navy all the way until retirement, those supervisors (read: Chiefs) would fight for their people in a very vocal way.

This isn't the Navy circa 1942. A sailor isn't expected to start a fight in a bar, if he/she wants to make themselves better and admits that they have a problem with alcohol they are forever branded an alcoholic and troublemaker.

These days, even though the steady pay, insurance, living arrangements, and world experience is wonderful and slendid...I just don't think I can deal with the underway time and military heirarchy anymore than my obligation insists.

Yes, I know that folks rotate out and that things are only temporary. But the fact of the matter is that I have to deal with it now, while underway and stressed out already. Yes, people will leave this command and go to others but who's to say that someone even worse will replace him. They don't screen personalities when picking orders.

Wallowing through narcisism and facades, seems like this is all I've experienced in 6 years of Navy. Yeah, i know in the grand scheme it's really not that long for military, so don't burn me. They tell me that if I stay in and make Chief one day that I could make the change by being a better Chief. Who's to say that I wouldn't become a victim of that cycle and turn out the same way? I'm not giving it the chance, I don't want to become that kind of person. Even if I am the "good Chief that would fight for my people", that the people under me would look up to, I would only be a bucket of hot water in a cold ocean.

Also, folks that refer to people as "warm bodies" really gets under my skin.

Step 1: Insert soul into blender.

Step 2: Press "Puree"

The days are starting to blend together, which is an excellent thing while underway. One only stands watches and is not concerned about trivial matters...like food...or sleep. The hours will seem to slip away as you slip into routine, this is not a bad thing unless you have a kind of deadline.

I don't believe I've let everything set it, though the other night I had this terrible feeling in the back of my mind. It was a fear that I only felt last in boot camp. I suppose it was something along the lines of going into the unknown, but like boot camp, I just kept the idea that once this is all said and done that I would never have to be separated from my family again. That after this I would be leaving the Navy life behind me for, hopefully, better things.

It's a happy thought I keep in my pocket until depression from separation sets in finally. After that point, it should be downhill. On one hand, yes, I have to be away from everything for a while. But on the other hand, this will be my last deployment ever...it feels like senior year of high school or something to that nature.

Well, it's incredibly late after working on paperwork. I need to try and sleep, shouldn't be too hard at this point.

Listening to: Peter Gabriel "So"

Sending the Zen,
~chase

Dear Diary,

Today I "Rick Roll'ed" the ship. It was of epic biblical awesomeness. It's only day three. How can I top that?

Things I just remembered that I do underway:

1. When no one is looking I dance to Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance", ala On The Rocks a capela group.

2. Listen to more country music than is good for me...for anyone.

3. Even though I am a straight male I tell many, many men that I would sleep with them for money...or to trade deck watches.

4. Speak in a different language. Ex; Hey Scotty, I'm running down to the head in berthing and will stopping at the scuttlebutt to fill my camelback. Need anything from the geedunk machine? Also, we need to take a look at the DPD because it looks like we have a phase alignment issue, could see something do do with the CFA reverse power problem. TWT...

5. Every movie on SITE TV is a true story that I would rather live in for an hour and a half.

6. A whiteboard is a primary means of communication through the watches.

7. The blue lights in combat are the best cure for insomnia, I don't care how much caffine one has. the deathly pale blue lights in CIC will consume your soul and life.

That being said...

8. A coffee machine in your workspace is on par to being in jail but being able to make your own toilet wine.

9. I'm pretty sure the Justin Timberlake bobble head standing beside said coffee maker in workspace follows me with it's eyes and plans to kill me if I nod off while working on paperwork by the computer. Send help.

10. Days no longer matter, only hours...That you coordinate different events within.

Man the rails? No thanks, I'm trying to quit.

Well, it is the first day of deployment...yeah, it sucks already.

We've just pulled from the harbor and come from manning the rails, in fact, I'm still in my dress whites as I'm typing. Mostly because I know berthing will be full if I try to do down to change now. Saying goodbye is hard to do regardless of how you do it. Shelby was so upset when we arrived to the pier that she got sick. It was tough to send Laura and Shelby on their way off the ship.

I have fears of leaving my family alone for so long, just as any person would. But those fears become all-so-real when the pier team take the brow from the quarterdeck, and the only way to come on and off the ship is ripped away both physically and metaphorically.

In the middle of all the sadness of departing is a glimmer of happiness, knowing that you're finally starting a deployment that has been hovering over the heads of everyone onboard the ship...Finally starting that countdown clock that will, eventually, end.

Homecoming will be incredible.
~chase

The Ocean, she calls me..but I screen my calls.

Not too bad, the time has gone by a little quicker than I thought it would. My first and only summer has passed me by, and I feel that we had a pretty good time of it. Went to some beaches, and took in everything that the California coast has to offer for the most part...complete with the idiot drivers that seems to flock to the greater San Diego area. For the first time since joining the Navy, I was able to spend my entire summer/fall with my family, and it was superb. I even had a chance to take a vacation to Europe with my wife, courtesy of the USS Shiloh.

The only thing standing between me and the rest of my life, wherever that may end up being, is my longest deployment. Although it's going to be an extremely lengthy deployment, it looks like it may be my most interesting, going to places that I've never been to before! But, like all underway periods, I'll probably become very depressed and won't be able to really fully appreciate the places I'll see. So, here's to hoping I'll get my head out of "Emo Mode" and get out to enjoy my last trip 'round the world.

Listening to Pink Floyd's "Animals" album, a hidden gem in the midst of their catalog really.

While doing some research online for my self-assessed evaluation for this year, I came across the job detailing website that lets you put in applications for jobs/location in the Navy. Two shore duty offers for Japan came up, one of them was not my particular skill, but the other one was for working security for the Naval Air Base in Atsugi. My wife and I starting talking about how we missed the Yokosuka area. By no means do I want to be a "lifer" in the Navy, but the steady pay, the Cost Of Living Allowance we get for living in Japan, the Japanese lifestyle, and the benefits we get make it a strong argument. We both miss it, a lot. I can't speak for Laura, but for myself living in San Diego has brought to light a lot of the things I dislike about my own culture, and living in Japan exposes a lot of the things that we as American take as a god-given right...To be rude, to not work as a people as a whole, and not take pride in what we do, among so many other things.

I'll get off my soapbox, but I've found myself being so much happier and proud to be a part of something when I'm not in the US.

So, deployment...then school, with any luck. I was planning on visiting MTSU and taking a tour of the campus with our pre-deployment stand down leave, but the rumor now is that the leave period is going to be cut substantially...by HALF! So, instead of the 12 or 13 days that as talked about, it's going to be around 6. Unfortunately I can't justify spending $800 to fly to NC/TN for 5 days. So, there goes that idea. The good news is that, with any luck, my early separation will go through and I'll be separating from the Navy AS SOON as the ship pulls into home port!

So, it's been a fun run, but I've had my share of being ordered what to do. The constant threat of having your pay reduced for ANY and all infractions. I was late one day by 5 minutes, I kid you not, because of the insane traffic here and was written up for it and told that if I was ever late again I would be sent up to the Captain. The senior enlisted leadership doesn't seem to lead by example here; they also don't stand watches like the rest of the ship. Even the junior and senior officers stand at least one watch.

I'm tired of making comparisons though, I'll be done with it soon enough, and I need to keep remembering what drives me to want to separate. I'm sure that I’ll run into some of the same damned things out in the civilian sector that I've forgotten about. But I remember thinking in boot camp, "What the hell was I so whiny about the Navy, that was nothing!” So, we'll see.

I found an old classmate's blog the other day. They were talking about relationship troubles and how they were glad to be done with it. Wish I knew her well enough to pass on good thoughts. "All Things Must Pass"

Sending the zen,
~chase